Ask Lisa : My boyfriend and his female co-worker text each other constantly
Trust is a pillar of any healthy relationship. When broken, it can lead to insecurity and hurt. Healthy boundaries, open communication and maintaining emotional safety are all also important, particularly avoiding behaviors that create insecurity. A woman asks Lisa about whether it’s appropriate for her to be uncomfortable with the frequency of texting between her boyfriend and a female co-worker.
The Question to Lisa
My boyfriend of 6 months has a female friend who texts him on a daily basis. He is a very sweet guy who I trust and I know loves me. We have been dating now for 6 months. Our relationship started about 3 months after he separated from his wife of 10 yrs after she cheated on him on 2 occasions. They are currently in the process of getting divorced. They have 2 kids who spends half of the time with their father. Since he has recently separated from his wife and not even finalized his divorce plus we have only dated for 6 months I have not met his kids and so I only spend time with him when he is not with his kids or not working or hanging out with his friends. I am really ok with this and think it’s in the best interest of his children. Now you would think the person I would have problems with is the wife he is separated from. Think again.
He has a female co-worker who is also his friend. Initially when we started dating, I did not get the impression that they were all that close but now I am starting to think otherwise. One point he mentioned when we had just started dating is that this female friend was a point of tension in his marriage. At first I thought his then wife was just transmitting her own infidelity onto him but now I can see why.
I don’t have any problems with him having female friends but the constant daily communication between him and her is annoying. I don’t know what their conversations are about but it occurs during the week, in the morning, in the night and on a weekend in the form of text messages. He does not not frequently hang out with her besides at work but the texting is non-stop and I don’t like it. Sometimes when I am talking to him over the phone she is texting him late at night. I have not told him how I feel about his friend because initially I was accepting of his relationship and did not have any problem with her. However, I am a bit annoyed now since I think she needs to know her boundaries.
When I first started dating him, she had a boyfriend. However, she broke up with this guy 2 months ago because of commitment issues she felt like she was not receiving. Lucky me, my boyfriend happen to be at her place right after the break up and I guess was a shoulder to lean on. Since then I was told she has started going on dates but no potential suitor found as yet. One day while I was at his place and we were about to sleep she texts him telling him about some stomachache she has and talking about how old she is getting. He has guy friends who do not text him as often as she does. I think what make me most annoyed when it comes to her is that she sees him 5 days a week at work. I only spend time with him about 2-5 times a week depending on when his kids are over. Plus he sometimes have to travel for work so my time with him is cut short then and when his kid’s mother travels, he takes care of them and so even then my time is cut shorter. I also like to give him his space when he does not have his kids since I know that is the time when he can do stuff that he really wants to do. So with the little time he has for me, her texting him during that time and distracting his attention bothers me. When I am with him, I am all about him and feel like I don’t get that in return and this female friend does not make things better with her distracting texts. Part of the problem I am aware of is that my time with him is limited but that I do not have much control over.
My first question is should I address him concerning his communication with this girl? I have spoken to him about his frequent texting other people when I am suppose to be spending quality time with him. He has since then minimized his texting when I am directly talking to him but now does it when I am distracted or when he is away from me. My second question is am I being a bit controlling or jealous? I have no problem with him texting her now and again but the constant daily texting is just too much.
Lisa’s Response
I don’t think it odd that you are bothered with the frequency of communication between your boyfriend and his co-worker. It sounds like it’s not that he has female friends per se but it feels like boundaries around this are being crossed.
Relationship betrayal can extend far beyond sex. It’s any behavior with another that breaks agreements or understandings of the status of your situation. Emotional closeness or relying on each other for support in a way that fills a known or unknown void can be a slipperty slope and potentially problematic to your primary intimate relationship. Even things like watching a lot of tv, gaming or being on your phone excessively can be blocks to intimacy and connection. I understand it’s the frequency of the text communication that feels excessive, particularly when it takes time from you. It doesn’t matter who was in his life first, what matters is who he has agreed to elevate to a higher level of relationship and how that person feels with him. That is you!
I do think you need to address him directly on this. Tell him how it feels to have your time interrupted by her. Ask him if he can set boundaries around their texting time and for this, he will likely need to have a discussion with her. If it’s all on the up and up and they are truly just good friends, one would hope that there would be some respect for your request. You request does not seem out of line at all. The reality is, this behavior is slowly hurting the relationship and raises questions for you. A secure relationship is ideally free of such questions and couples communicate openly when feeling are hurt or there is confusion. You don’t want to get to the point of being suspicious and uncomfortable, unsure of how to regain trust in your relationship .
He’s already responded well when you asked him to put down the phone when you are together so perhaps this will lead to the same result? It is not controlling behavior to share how you feel with your partner. You are valid in your feelings and because your boyfriend has experienced the pain of infidelity in his past marriage, one would hope he might understand and take steps to create more safety in your dynamic.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: How can I talk to my partner about my concerns without seeming controlling or jealous?
A: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and focus on how their actions impact you. For example, say “I feel a little hurt when our time together is interrupted by constant texting,” instead of “You’re always on your phone with her.”
Q: Is it okay to ask my partner to set boundaries with a friend?
A: Yes, it’s healthy and reasonable to have boundaries in a relationship. Openly communicating your needs and expectations is crucial for a secure and fulfilling partnership.
Q: What if my partner dismisses my concerns about their friendship?
A: Reiterate your feelings and explain how the behavior impacts your emotional safety . If they continue to dismiss your concerns, it might be necessary to re-evaluate the relationship or seek couples therapy.
Q: How can I tell if my partner is prioritizing our relationship?
A: Look for consistent actions that demonstrate they value your connection. This includes being present when you’re together, making time for you, and respecting your feelings and boundaries.
Q: How can I build more trust and emotional safety in my relationship?
A: Trust and emotional safety are built through consistent actions, open communication, and mutual respect. Be honest about your feelings, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize quality time together.
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Do you have a sticky situation in your relationship? Get feedback and guidance from Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT via Ask Lisa Consultations available through her on-platform chat service here on LoveAndLifeToolbox.com.
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